17 October, 2011

Fixing Some Misconceptions About Anal Sex

Anal sex gets a pretty bad rap. "Dirty", "painful" and "naughty" are words often associated with the act. But what happens between two mutually consenting adults is a beautiful thing, so I'm doing my bit to expel some misconceptions about the back-door boogie.

1. Anal sex is painful
I heard this nugget from Tristan Taormino in her DVD "Expert Guide to Anal Pleasure for Men" She says something to the effect of: "If it hurts, you're not doing it properly". My word do I admire that woman! Anyway, here are a few basic rules about having a pleasurable anal sex experience:
  • Lube, Lube, Lube. But not just any lube! For anal sex, the best lube to use is a viscous ("thick"), water-based lube. And just make sure you keep on reapplying as needed. On a side note, I was in a store recently that had an array of lubes marketed for anal sex, not one of which didn't have some sort of tingling agent (like mint) or a numbing agent. If you really want to have tingling in your rectum, by all means, fill yer boots. But please, please do not opt for a lube with a numbing agent. Pain is a sign that something is wrong, and when you feel pain, that's when you need to stop, rather than continue with anal sex. 
  • Warm up is key. It is absolutely crucial to warm up the anus before penetration. If the penis (or toy) is on the large size, or the person receiving the anal sex is relatively new to it, a good, long warm-up is essential. Use fingers, toys or your tongue (on a squeaky clean butt that is) to get your partner nice and ready and practially begging for it. If your partner is particularly large, try playing with toys such as dildos and/or butt plugs on your own to increase the flexibility of the muscles around the anus.
  • Nice and Easy. Chances are, you and your your partner are not porn stars. Therefore, just slamming it in on the first go isn't going to feel very nice. Go slowly, listen to and feel their cues and wait for them to give you the signal to change the pace/intensity.
  • Play with positions. Depending on how the penis (or toy) is curved, some positions may feel better than others. Remember that the rectum generally curves to the front then upwards towards the stomach for both guys and gals. Hint: The partner receiving anal sex has a lot more control when they're on top! 
  • Communication, communication, communication. If you are giving anal sex, listen to your partner and be sensitive and responsive to their needs. If you are receiving anal sex, express your needs. (Slower, gentler, more lube, stopping altogether...) You do not have to just grin and bear it!
2. Anal sex is dirty. To be fair, you do poop out of there, so it CAN be a messy deal. That's the risk we all take when we play in the back yard - we could get muddy. But there are some measures you can take to minimize the mess. 
  • Make sure you have had a full bowel movement not long before the deed. Note: Anal sex is not good morning sex. (If you want it neat and tidy, that is.)
  • Invest in an anal douche. No, not those archaic, harmful chemical ones for the vagina that they used to sell in drug stores, but a washable one that can be filled with warm water. They can be found at any sex-toy shop or online, and mostly for under $20. 
  • Have a shower right before-hand to make sure you're all clean. Take some gentle soap (no dyes, perfumes, etc), soap up a finger and make sure the entrance and as far as you can reach inside is nice and debris-free. 
Of course, these measures in no way guarantee a squeaky clean romp, but they greatly improve your chances. It never hurts to lay a towel down under you!

It's also very important to remember not to insert the penis (or toy) into the vagina (or mouth) after it's been inside the rectum until it's been thoroughly washed. A trick is to wear a condom during anal penetration and then take it off if you want to continue to have sex vaginally or orally. 

3. Anal sex is harmful.  The anus is non-lubricating and the skin is quite thin and sensitive. There's also poop in there. So if the non-lubricating, thin skin is torn, and fecal matter enters the wound, well, need I go on? That's why it is extremely important to use lots of lube, warm-up and communication. Anal sex will not cause hemorrhoids or incontinence either.

4. Only "bad girls" like to receive anal sex. Girls that like to receive anal sex like to receive anal sex. Some are good, some are bad.

5. Only gay guys like to receive anal sex.
If lesbians are not the main demographic of strap-on dildo purchasers, and well, gay men surely aren't, then... who's buying them?? STRAIGHT COUPLES is who. "Pegging" is the wonderfully healthy, normal, sexual act of a woman penetrating a man's anus with a strap-on dildo. Why do they do this? 1) It feels nice for the man, as anal sex stimulates the prostate gland, or "p-spot" or "male g-spot" which, I'm told feels veeeeeery nice. 2) Role reversal is fun and sexy.

6. You can't get pregnant from anal sex. It's very unlikely, to be fair, but semen in that area has the potential to get inside the vagina. So if anal sex (as opposed to vaginal sex) is your only method of birth control - *cough* idiot - then please be careful.

And, just because I'm on the subject, I'd like to add one thing I read in the worst book ever: "Increasing Sexual Intelligence and Becoming a Sex Expert" by Nicholas Nassor. (If you look on you'll see the only review which is mine.) It's a terrible excuse for a book and deserves any bad reviews it gets. Anyway, in the book, under the "chapter" labeled "Anal Sex" he says this: "When a man thrusts too hard during anal sex, he suspects his partner of infidelity". Now I must admit, that's a complete new one to me, but clearly it's SOMEONE'S misconception. Ass-hat. (Nass-hat?) I say, if a man thrusts too hard during anal sex, he's not listening to his partner. 

So now that the veil of ignorance has been lifted, go and get those asses in gear!


Update: I have been informed by a gay friend of mine, who I presume is somewhat an aficionado on anal sex that he prefers silicon-based lubes. It's true that silicon-based lubricants keep their slipperiness longer (IE, forever) than water-based lubes, but they are less viscous ("thinner") so there is less perceived "padding" so to speak. It ultimately comes down to personal preference. He recommends Millenium ID. However, from personal experience, my favourite is Sliquid Sassy Intimate Gel Booty Formula. If you do opt for water-based lube, make sure you go for a higher-quality one. Cheap water-based lubes dry up and get tacky really quickly.

Keep in mind silicon-based lubes stain and do not play nicely with silicon toys. You COULD also use oil-based lube for anal sex, but oil will deteriorate condoms. For an update on being body smart with toys and lubes, re-read my article on that topic here.


  1. thanks for the tips! i am look forward to using these advices with my lady friend!

    t :P x

  2. good post! still scared, though ... maybe one day ...

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